literally and figuratively. trees hardly change colors in my hometown; and when they do its a sight that everyone notices. you know the usual oranges and yellows and burgundy's that they change to in other parts of the state. but here in phoenix its like once in a blue moon. and as my friend says to me yesterday- "your like a blue moon; hardly visible and seen; but when you are-your beauty entraps us and we want to spend as many moments as possible in your presence". that was sweet of him indeed; and the trees changing colors here are just like that feeling. and wit the changing of the colors came the changing of things and people around me.
im usually a spring gal. my birthday roles around during that time; im usually looking forward to not being in school in the summer; i tend to take more interesting classes in the spring and actually do better in school; i liven up; i wear more bright colors; i don't dread waking up in the morning because its the perfect mix of weather; i usually tend to have more time to enjoy with my friends; and wit the passing and coming of a new age so to is the passing and coming of my intelligence and maturity. simply put. im just a spring gal.
but this year i find myself betraying my usual stepping out of my shell in the spring and find myself basking in this winter of 2010. just within the past 2 months i see myself becoming the person that i dream i will be fully content with as an elder. ive learned to prioritize my life; learned to prioritize my friendships; my education; my family; my future; and my hopes and dreams. perhaps this is due to the upcoming travels in my life-which is really a first for me. i somehow have this feeling that this upcoming trip will either become wat i look back on years later and explain to people that this was the moment; u know when u figure out who you are finally and who your content in being...or this trip will be the death of me. this is precisely wat i tell people when they ask about wat im feeling as the days come closer. n then they hear the death part - and i get weird looks or talks of denial. all i know is that as a young child i learned that when you plan things; the most you can do is plan what is humanly possible; and then the rest leave with Allah's knowledge. i also learned that no plans we humans make ever turn out the way we imagined. and this is no exception. i know in my heart that although i planned this trip to increase my knowledge in education and self; i also know that Allah has another agenda for me. and whatever that may be- i will be content with; and this includes death. its not anything to be afraid of and when we are born thats the only thing we really have to look forward to. all the inbetween's from birth to death-well theyre all just a preparation for the finality of things. its up to you wat u make of this in between. and im ready for watever will come my way, Inshallah. no reason in being afraid of something that you know your bound to not miss.
and so this winter im changing whatever is humanly possible for me to change to better myself instead of waiting for my spring to arrive. as i wake up everymorning; i am reminded of why i am doing the things i am doing. yes there are days when i have a change of heart and when it is truly just easier for me to quit, get married, and lead wat i would suppose to be a peaceful life. but everymorning still i am reminded of why i started on this journey from the beginning; why i continue to tell myself- that for me-the struggle is worth it. i remind myself that i was not put on this earth to live in comfort; and that my mother and father didn't raise a woman out of me that abandons her responsibilities-that forgets the struggle they went through to get me to this age. i found myself struggling to get up and out of the house before them everymorning. Because what a shame it would be for me to be sleeping in; while they go to work to put a roof over our heads; with no sleep the night before. i cannot be peaceful nor find tranquility in living a life like that. so instead i make a list in my mind everynight of what i can do tomorrow - to make sure that i can soon get to a stage where i can tell them; okay look you've done enough. please just rest now. ive got it from here on out. i am now taking my responsibilities.
so ive changed my lazy natural ways. ive realized that losing sleep on days on end only means that i will be able to sleep soon enough. ive realized that instead of complaining about my life and all the things i want to change about it; i should make a mental note of that complaint list and change something one day at a time- to where i wont need that list anymore. ive realized that i need to struggle to change the way that i deal with family including friends that i consider family. i realized that subconsciously i am changing the way i talk about useless stuff and instead replacing that talk with one that benefits me and the person i am talking with. i find myself changing the people around me and therefore find myself noticing the change in them. i find myself looking forward to only tomorrow--- after i watched cnn and the anouncements about the world cup in 2022 and the first thought in my mind was if i live to that year i will be 33, probably married with kids; and the second thought being who knows if i will live to be that age and who knows if those making the announcement will be there to see that day. n then it hit me. as 8 years has gone by since i was a child in my freshman year of highschool- 8 years had gone by where i have only brief memories of those years; of 8 years that i didnt realize brushed by me; 8 years that may come in the future; 8 years we dont notice at all until one day 8 years later we are trying to figure out what we did with our time. i decided no longer am i gonna be living in the future that may not come; but ill try to live in the immediate present of my days and the tomorrows that i wake up to. i am not looking forward to the future that will one day become my past. n then i found myself at ease as i started living by this new rule for weeks now. only accomplishin as much as i can to not have regrets. a burden was lifted and for me i found a way to be stress free. i found a way to go back to my roots and leave everything to Allah; and i am finally beginning to understand what it means to have faith.
trees hardly change colors in my hometown; literally and figuratively; and when they do its a sight that everyone notices. but this time around, that everyone is just me.
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