InspirAtion.

they say writing and time cures all heartbreak. i don't know about time- because i cant really grasp it. its not mine, nor will i ever be able to claim it. but i have my thoughts. thats all i have been given at the end of the day. i keep thinking. keep thinking too much perhaps. i don't know if i just made a mistake, or if all along this was meant to be. that it was something bound to catch up to me eventually. they say i had a choice and it was my decision after all. probably right. actually yes- they are right. but how wise am i? when i can't even keep on one decision. i hope you know this is the biggest risk i have ever taken in my life. i keep sitting here wondering if you know exactly how much u mean to me. let's take out the things i have said, the things you have heard, the things you feel, what you think i feel. i wish i can just open up my heart- let your eyes see all of it. no words needed to be spoken. one soul seeing the heart of another. maybe then everything in this world would be on a different plane. different perspective. i want to have a set of binoculars- to be able to see u at all times. to see your every move. to see how your doing. how your feeling. would it be better for my heart and mind to be at ease, if i could just see- deep inside you. i swear i wouldn't need to hear any words coming out of your mouth. i would just be able to see for myself, to understand beyond imagination. i hung up the phone. waited for you to call back. talk me out of the stupid nonsense idea that i just had. you never called. then my hurt became like a brick. i couldn't breathe. i couldn't move. i haven't decided if its because you really want me to get better, to feel better or if all along i made myself see something that was never there. if i created a world all on my own accord. you saying nothing- i still cant get over. maybe i should've done this face to face. maybe then i could feel your emotions at that specific moment. i need to cure myself of this love i have for you. i have been down that road before, and it left me with nothing but brokenness inside of me. i can't do that to myself again. i'm going about my normal routine, and it hasn't even been two days. but i want to give up my stubbornness. i want to make up excuses for you like i always did in my head. i want to have a different last conversation with you. why haven't you called? why are you letting me go through with this? i keep thinking if you cared as much as i did about you- then you would've done what i would do. you wouldn't have hung up the phone/ you would've talked some sense into me. i don't know what to think. what am i supposed to think? is this really how much i mean to you. why can't you for once put your pride aside and put me first. it's simple. quite simple. but yet i watch my self everyday, my every move. thinking how much longer.? do i have to wait. and then i say 21 days is all it takes to start a new habit, to break a cycle. i have literally convinced myself and those around me. but i haven't convinced my heart. your probably thinking well, if you cared about someone you wouldn't leave them no matter what. what would it take to show you my love for you? i was thinking yesterday, what if when i'm over you, what if when i'm ready to come back- you won't be there. what if's/ eh? always something or rather. but you know what would be better than all this me talking like a crazy person. if you were actually there for me to have a real conversation with. but you won't allow yourself to show any emotions. you won't allow me to get that close to you, after this long. after i have already shown you everything you need to see- for you to know. i'm never one to hurt you. i'm not like those women that came before me. but i have a feeling you already know. you just won't accept it- cuz i understand. it's always easier to never let yourself feel, than to feel and never be able to bring those feelings back once the person is gone. i don't know what to say or do to show you. can you just tell me. can you just pick up the phone and just say hey. hello. i'm dying to hear. dying to hear everything is gonna be okay, and just know your smile on the other end. what i would do to hear that everything is gonna be okay. i don't feel that anymore. i am starting to think that okay- is everyone's way of saying, hey look please don't make me say it/it's gonna be okay, okay? how sure. mom's says- i'm sorry. i know he was your only best friend. i know he got you through the days. if she can see, why can't you? maybe i'm overreacting. i'm over evaluating as usual. just tell me that- and i'll believe it. i always believed in you. maybe i'm not good enough. please just calm my heart. hold on to me, and never let me go.